Just wanted to write you since it has been awhile. Things are hard right now. I have done some serious evaluating at myself, my parenting, my character and so much more. I am sure you know about Ryan and his school work or lack there of. He tested the waters and it was boiling hot and he got burned. I am not playing with him. He is in HUGE trouble. He has been mistaken thinking he runs the show. He is 12 but really thinks he is 30 but acts like he is 5. This is where I need you. I was not supposed to parent alone. I was supposed to have you with me to correct and mold him into a great person. Trust me, you laid the foundation but I need you to help me keep building. I have never felt more alone or isolated. I know I have family and friends, people that love and care about us. It isn't the same babe. WHERE ARE YOU? I need you. I put on a front from the time I wake up fooling myself that I can do this everyday. I act as though it will get better but the true fact is Ryan is a 24 hour reminder of you. He looks like you, talks like you, smiles like you. He was sent here to me because you were not going to be here for very long. You have no idea how much that kills me. My heart shatters. When Ryan acts up and acts the opposite of who I know he really is makes my heart break. That is not the child we raised. The child we raised is honest, loving, courageous, a go getter, an explorer, a leader. He falls into the habits of others and doesn't see his potential of greatness. He has much to offer the world, he has given me more than I will ever be able to give him. His life, who he is, where he came from; truly completes my world. I have been so fortunate. I have loved, and been loved. To me there is nothing better than that. The love I recieved from YOU and from Ryan is what has made to the person I am.
I really try babe. I want to do what you told me in my dream, but I just can't. Move on is what you kept repeating to me. Move forward, it's okay. Those words shake my soul. It echos in my head, it makes me so sad. I know that you are probably right, but I just can't do it. I can not even inch my way to moving forward. It just isn't possible. There is no answer for it. No reason to explain. My heart truly aches. It continues to hurt, it wants nothing more than for you to walk in the door. I want to hear your voice. The comfort of your touch, the positive nature you came by naturally. I want all of it back. I want you, I need you and nothing will stop that. Moving forward, moving backward or even side to side will not help those feelings. It is burnt in my soul. The life I had with you is not replaceable. It is not something I can recreate. I have to live with the life I have. I have to day by day tend to my duties and responsibilities as a mother. I am grateful to be a mom, to have such an amazing kid. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I miss you more than you will ever know. I love you more than the whole wide world and back again.
Happy Birthday BABE! Today you are 35 years old. I wish you were here so we could do something for your birthday. We should be going to dinner, hanging out as a family and just being with one another. As holidays and special days pass by it makes me wonder why things had to happen like this. None of it makes sense to me.
I sit there and look at Ryan and wonder why he had to be without his Dad. What God wanted him to learn by taking away his Dad and best friend. I don't get it. Your birthday is special, it should be a day of celebration and it generally turns into heartache for me because you aren't here to share in it. I want this birthday for you to come to me, tell me what it is you see me doing in the world? What my purpose is? What I am supposed to have learned from this grief and heartbreak? Without you things seem lifeless and not as bright. You brought life to me, you gave me meaning, you allowed me to be exactly as I am with flaws and all. You made me want to always do more for you because you gave so much to me. Your heart was big, and you gave me great hope. There isn't a moment that I don't want or need that back. I just can't seem to get it right without you here. I just need you to come to me, tell me what I need to do on this earth. Why was I put on earth? What direction am I supposed to be going in? I need your help, please talk to me. I know you can come to me, please just come to me babe. I really need you.
My birthday gift to you is.... I must learn and comprehend that YOU ARE NOT ON A TRIP. You have left this world and went somewhere far better. I have to learn that you will never come back home to us, you will always be in our hearts and our minds but never in our home. That is something I still must take day by day, something I must breathe in and completely understand. I just can not wrap my brain around that. I can not let go of the hope that you will come back to our home. I feel you there, I just want to see you there. I will one day be able to say that I have been able to comprehend it and it will just be something I come to grips with. I just can't babe. I just can't do it. Your loss has shattered my soul. I will try to work on that as my gift to you. That is my promise.
Please know that I love you more than the whole wide world and back again. I want nothing more than for you to be happy, give me a sign for what I should be doing to allow me to be happy. Help Ryan make good choices and be there for him.
I wanted to tell you what has been going on. The other day I was standing at the ATM and looked at my wallet and saw the pictures of you in there and the strangest thing, you looked real. Like alive in the pictures. Was that you telling me something? I was amazed and then got very angry. I still try to figure out what I am supposed to learn from your loss. I know that everything happens for a reason, and everything that happens there is a lesson to be learned from it. WHAT IS THE LESSON? WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO LEARN FROM ALL OF THIS? I can not tell you how much I miss you. My heart still aches for you. I am trying to take everything one day at a time, but I get stuck in some ruts and just can't seem to focus on anything else.
We all went to Santa Cruz this past weekend, we had a great time. Everywhere I was there, I knew you were there with us. I remember the last time we went to the boardwalk, everything you ate, and all the stuff we did all came back to me. It was another day of reflection. Ryan and Naomi had a blast and so did Donny and I. We went to do something different, something other than Elk Grove. It was nice to get away but it was a very long day. The traffic was horrible but we had a great day and everything else just seemed minor in comparisson.
The worst part about everyday is that I can't share with you what is going on. I know you are there, but it just isn't the same. There is not a moment that goes by that I don't want to email you, talk to you on the phone or just see how you are doing. I still have to tell myself you are on a trip so I don't get so overwhelmed with the everyday stuff and not being able to talk with you. I miss you, your voice, your touch, your hugs, your laughter. I miss it all. Can you even believe that I miss your snoring. (ha ha ha) Ryan is getting so big, he is about 5 foot 4 and 120 pounds. He is going to be a big guy. Just like you. Everyone tells me that he looks just like you so at least I have that comfort and able to have a part of you with me always.
My heart belongs to you forever. I miss you more than my words will ever be able to explain.
I love you today, forever and always.
I love you more than the whole wide world and back again.
Still missing you / Theresa Chapman (Cousin)Read >>
Still missing you / Theresa Chapman (Cousin)
Hiya Rich, was thinking of you this week and thought I'd come over and tell you how much we miss you. Each month is better but I have to say sometimes when I'm thinking of you it still brings me to tears. Whenever I hear Diana Ross's song 'Aint No Mountain High Enough', I have to pull over to cry because it reminds me of the move clips you made that Buffy showed us...that song was in the background. Fantastic stuff but still painful to see you so vibrant and alive and realize that you're not here anymore. I can't call or come visit. Sadly I know you're in a better place but it still doesn't comfort me. Part of me is still angry that this could happen and I'll just need to deal with it.
I love you and miss you so much. When I think of you it's always a picture of you laughing with enjoyment, your eyes crinkling as you make everyone laugh with you!
Best buddy ever / Sebastian Strauss (Friend)
Hi Rich, I was thinking of you, today. I miss chatting with you. I saw the pictures Buffy posted... wow, Ryan looks so much like you, it's amazing. You'd be so proud! Close
Miss you more now that I found you / Jeremiah Neptune (Long lost Friend )
I have been looking for you for years this is not what I expected to find. My heart goes out to your family Mom Dad Uncle Benny brother and sister, most of all to your son. I am sure that your family will not let him go a day with out reminding him of what a great person that you are. I will never forget our times either in Cali or Florida I will drink a beer tonight with you. My love and prayers go out to you and your family
In Loving Memory of Our Oldest Son / Donald Foley (Father)
Rich,
The family misses you so much, especially during the holidays and our family get togethers. We miss your big, warm smile, great sense of humor, and your loving ways. Life is still good, but it isn't as enjoyable as it was when you were with us. You made us laugh and our time together seem so much more meaningful and richer. I'm sure it was due to the enormous love and goodness that came from your heart and that you shared with everyone who knew you.
I know mom and I will be with you some day, but before that occurs, we have some important things to do for Ryan and Buffy.
So until that day, please watch over us and help us to complete the things that we need to do. Your presence and love mean so much to all of us and we look forward to seeing you once again, so save us a seat at your table!!! Your loving father always
Happy 3rd Brithday / Mom Foley (Mother)
Rich – It has been three years since you left us, all of us have moments we look at our lives and ask, “ How did we get here?” sometimes it’s hard to keep up, adjusting ourselves to the life we have while letting go of the life we planned. Some days are better than others and nothing seems as certain as it used to be. We try to be good to ourselves, give us time to rest, and reflect, and try to start to heal. You have made a big impact on this family with your present and more than you think. Like I said before you are the “Sunshine that shine on this Family”. I know that you are always here went we need you and look over all of us.
Since you left, Dad and I have retired and move to Goodyear, Arizona. We are trying to take your advised and enjoy our life. We have three little doges, and their names are Kandy, Kain, and Honey Girl. It just worked out that way for us. Naomi had Kandy on her 6th birthday and I train her and got so attached, so Donny just let us have her. Kain is Maria’s little boy, we keep him while Maria is at work, Honey Girl is Ryan’s when they were living in the Rawley Home, however since they move to the duplex no dogs allot so she is here with us. Dad turns 62 and will be drawing social security check, and I will be turning 60 and I am feeling every year of it. I am not as quick as I use to be. Every morning I thank the lord for blessing us with another day. I pray to the Lord not to call on us yet because Donny, Buffy, Maria, Ryan and Naomi still needs here for a while longer. I know in my heart we will all be together once again.
Donny has change career and is now in Real Estate and investment. Dad and I are very proud of him and his accomplishments. Dad and I are going to try and venture with him on the investment part of his business. He bought another house for him and Naomi. Naomi have grown to be a very pretty and smart little girl, she is a joy to Donny and all of us. She keeps Donny on tract, and Donny is good on spending family time with her and the rest of the family.
Maria decided to move to Arizona with us, she is a big help to Dad and I, not to mention it is nice and have one of our family members here with us. She is currently working for an Art Council, which is totally new to her, but the important thing is that she enjoying her work and is close to the house. She has completed her Real Estate classes to be a Realtor here in Arizona. Dad and I are proud of her and trying to guide her towards her goal in her life.
Buffy has gone full time in her career with the Elk Grove school district and doing very well. She has proven to be a very good mother to Ryan and very much a member to our family, Dad and I look at Buffy as one of our own, she is always there went we need her. Ryan is growing to be a very handsome young man; you will be very proud of him, very respectful and has good manners. He is doing very well in school, and he is a shopper. Dad and I have started him on an allowance so he can start understanding the value of money; so far he is keeping up with the requirements.
Uncle Ben is doing well; he is now living with Uncle Joe here Arizona. He still has his big smile went we see him. He has been with Uncle Joe for about two and a half year. Uncle Joe might be returning back to Guam, so I am thinking to taking Uncle Ben back and have Maria take care of him.
Happy 3rd Birthday my son, I know in my heart you are at home and at peace. Watch over your son, wife and all of us here. We miss you and love you very much.
Where do I begin..... Let's see, so much has happened since you left and went to heaven. I can not believe that we are 5 days away from your 3rd birthday in heaven. It seems like yesterday that you left and tragedy struck. My heart is still broken. Do I get up and do my everyday things, YES! Do I feel empty and alone, EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY! I sit here and stare at your pictures hoping that I will catch the eyes blink and you will come alive and come back home to us. I completely understand your happiness and unconditional love for heaven and being with our Lord and savior but the selfish part of me wants you here. So much is happening in our lives, so many times I still go to pick up the phone to call you and there is NO number for me to call. I cry out to you and I get NO response. I know you are with me, I feel you here but it isn't the same. It is beyond magical where you are, it is unexplainable I am sure. Ryan and I struggle with the reality of being here on earth when you can't be here. Ryan is a young man, he is 12 years old now and you are supposed to be here. You are supposed to be sharing in all of the things that will sculpt him into a man. He needs you babe, why can't you help him. He was talking with me a couple of days ago and so sad telling me how much he misses you and your talks you would have with him. Babe, I try to be there and do everything but I am not a man. I am a woman and a mother. Ryan adores me and is the love of my life but he is missing something far more important than anything I can be or give him. He is missing his DAD! You were always such a HUGE part of his life, he wrote a story about you and I would like to share it with you so you can see the pain he is going through. He wrote this story for school and has to read it to everyone in his class. I did not help him at all on this, it is his feelings, his words and this is his story.He had to write about something that changed his life forever: It's called:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My Dad's las breath
I was frightened when I saw my Dad in his coffin at his funeral. It was sad because my Dad and I were very close.
I was wearing a hawaiian shirt with white, blue and black. It felt like it represented my dad. My mom was wearing a shawl. Tears were falling down my face. I felt like that there was this big pain in my heart.
I saw my Dad wearing a black hawaiian shirt with tan palm trees. I touched my Dad's hand and it felt cold. My dad's eyes were closed and it looked like he was sleeping.
It was hard for me to see my Dad gone. It was frightening that my Dad was never coming back. For the last two years I learned that when someone is a part of your life, they will be with you no matter what happens.
It was that time, I stood up looked around the room and the crowd was silent. I walked up to my Dad's coffin and I saw my Dad for the last time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you see that, can you feel the pain he is in? What am I supposed to do babe? What more can I do to try and ease that pain? I don't have any answers, I don't have a magic wand to take this pain away. Please HELP me. I talk to you and I probably look crazy because it seems like I am talking to myself when I am reaching out to you for guidance, love and support. I can't seem to find my niche in my life. I can't seem to find comfort. I tend to just be wandering aimlessly in this world. I had clarity, comfort, peace and unconditional love. I lost it! You left and now I am trying to gather the courage, strength and love to be what you were to me. I need to be that for our son. I try and sometimes I make some headway and other times I am crying because of my failure. What more can I do?
I am still very close with your family. I love them very much. They are and have been a huge part of our lives. It is a true bond, we talk almost everyday. They live in Arizona now, but the distance is very hard. I wish they didn't live there. I don't think I have ever admitted that before. Well I haven't told them that. I know they needed to move to Arizona for a fresh start, to try something new, to spread their wings and enjoy their retirement but it is very hard. I miss the dinners, the BBQ's, the hanging out. It seems like everyone has gone in different directions and I am just scared that we will all get so wrapped up in our own lives that we forget about what once was. I know you aren't here to plan the family dinners but we NEED that. We need to find a way to get back what was once there. Donny is working hard and doing his flip thing. He is good at it. You would be all up in it if you were here. I know that you are watching over him and guiding him. He misses you so very much. We all do. Please be with him babe.
Maria is working in Arizona at a great job. She enjoys it and it is close to home. She of course enjoys the weather and hanging out with Mom and Dad and of course the three dogs. Can you believe that they have three dogs. One is ours, Honey Girl. She is a little tomboy and you would love her. She is your Dad's baby. Things are just so different. You are missing so much. Things are just so hard babe.
I beg you to come to my dreams. I need you. I want to see you, hear your voice for some reassurance that you are with me. I feel you here, I just want to know that you are here. Is that crazy? I know you can come to me. Please do it. I am begging.
We love you more than the whole wide world and back again.
Merry Christmas My Love! / Wife
My Dearest Richard,
Merry Christmas my love. The holidays are just not the same without you. So much has happened, things are going by so fast and so much is being done and it seems like time is standing still. Well... Let me rephrase that, time seems to be standing still in my heart but for the world it continues to forge on. I know that everyone says, time heals the heart but the more time that goes by the worse it seems to get. I can't explain it. There is so much that I want to tell, so much I want to still do with you and there just is no way for that to happen. It breaks my heart. Ryan turned 12 years old. Can you believe that? Our boy is 12! It seems like yesterday when he was first born at 1 pound 11.8 ounces and we were young and trying to figure out our lives. What happened? Where did all the time go? Did we get to comfortable? Did we take eachother for granted? Did we think that it would last forever and that is why we had to be struck with this heartache to open our eyes that life isn't this way forever? I am still wondering around trying to figure out what to do with myself. Things are just so different. I try to explain it to people and they just don't understand. I don't think anyone understands. Our family has suffered a HUGE loss, we lost our HUB that holds everything together. We lost the zest for life. The reminders of how all the little things make the BIG things. We lost all of that because you aren't here. The time that seems to go by as we stand here still trying to figure out how to put one foot in front of the other just to make it through a simple day. Why is it so hard? Why is my heart still so broken? You were my rock, you taught me everything, you allowed me to just be me and I am so blessed because you were in my life. I am so fortunate to have had the time I did with you. The good and the bad. It molded us into the people we became. This sorrow and tragedy has molded me into a different person. A lonely person, a sad person. I smile but it is just a smile. I laugh but it isn't fulfilling. I dream but it doesn't sustain me. I live but it so empty without you. Tell me what to do. Tell me where to go, what direction to go, what path to take. I need you. I want you here. I know you are happy and you love it in heaven but I just can't stand to be without you. I don't want to come to heaven yet, I need to be here to raise our son. He needs me and I need him. He needs you too. Be with him, guide him, teach him, love him. He needs his Dad! Why did you have to go. I need answers still. The answers to the questions that I just won't get until we are reunited. Please babe, please come to my dreams. Answer my prayers, help me.
Uncle Frank passed away on Ryan's birthday. Have you been able to meet up with him. Please take care of him and show him around. Allow him to be at peace and be happy and free just as you are.
I love you so much. I miss you so much.
I love you more than the whole wide world and back again.
34 Months since you left! I miss you Babe! / Wife Read >>
34 Months since you left! I miss you Babe! / Wife
Hello my love,
Today marks 34 months since you left. Wow, that just sounds weird to even say. I am just at a loss babe. The holidays are approaching quickly, our BOY is going to be turning 12 years old in 9 more days. He is so much like you, he really needs you. Why did you leave him? He wants so badly to be accepted and come to find out after digging and talking to him, he just wants to be able to talk to you. He is trying to fill the void left in his life and in his heart by getting acceptance from other people. I don't want him to feel he needs to do that. I want him to be strong and vibrant just like you. I want him to know that your blood runs through his veins and he is exceptional. He is so amazing and I am not just saying that because he is our son, I am saying it because people tell me all the time. Strangers, teachers, office staff, friends & family. He is an amazing kid. I just wish you were here to share it with me. I know Ryan would love to have you here, please guide him and love him just as you always have. Please allow him to be still and silent enough to hear you talk to him, to give him a sign you are with him. He needs you so much.
We all need you, we love you and we will miss you forever.
I love you today, forever and always.
We love you more than the whole wide world and back again.
I miss you mucho big bro. I often fill my day with activates and thoughts to wash out how much I truly think and miss you. I guess I feel by doing this, I won't feel the pain. However, during the holidays that just doesn't seem possible. You're a HUGE part of our world and meant something different to each and every one of us. When you left, we didn't truly realize the individual impact it would cause us. Together we get through the days and often talk about what we want to do when we see you again. For some of us it is to simply joke with you, others is to drink beer with you, some just want to see your smile, but for most of us it is to feel your touch and tell you how much we missed you. As for me, I'll let you know when we meet up on that much anticipated day.
Today is Thanksgiving and I know how much we loved this holiday and this season. Despite the grief, I try to stand tall and show Ryan what we love so much about this day. Thanksgiving is a day of giving thanks. There is so much to be thankful for, so many blessings we have been given and so many that we have yet to uncover.
Your love is what sustains me. Your smile is what brings me sunshine. Our love is what gives me hope. Our son is what keeps me alive. There is never a moment that I don't wish things were different. It has been almost 3 years since you left and there are days that it seems like yesterday and days that is seems like 40 years have gone by. I long to hear your voice. Just to say hello or I love you. I wish that I could hear that. I pray that I can hear that.
Ryan is so much like you that is helps me to smile on all the days and moments that I just want to cry. Ryan is an amazing kid and I owe all of that to you. He is your replica and I am thankful, grateful and so blessed because of that. He smiles and it lights up my world, he hugs me and it allows me to regroup. He has this overwhelming presence and that is exactly who you were. You would brighten any room you walked in, you would talk to everyone and show them that GOOD people are still on this earth. He is the same way. What an amazing quality to have gained from you. He has so much more than just that, but because of you and your love there is never a moment that he has to wonder about you. He is you! It is amazing and keeps me going when I just want to surrender. Through all this pain and heartache, I still reach out for peace. I know that you bring that to me on a daily basis. I know that just because I can't see you doesn't mean you aren't there. I am so very honored to be your wife and I am telling you without a doubt that will never change.
Today as I sit at my mom's and enjoy the company, the photos, the laughter and the food. I will think of you as I always do. When the turkey is cut, and all the fixin's are on the table I will smile and inside fall apart because it is never the same without you. My heart is so empty, yet so full. Does that make sense? Do you miss us too? Does it hurt you that you can't be with us? That you can't share in all the "big" moments? Even the little moments that make the days pass by and allows us to be who we are. I just miss you, want you here with us. Is that a crime? Is it ridiculous to still ask for that? I just don't know anymore.
Things have been changing for me and my life. I want to pick up the phone and tell you all about it. You would always be my biggest fan. Without that I still search for that support and confidence that you always gave and I come up short every time. I am starting a new job on Monday, I am still with the district but have chosen to go full time. I basically got a promotion. I am doing a job that is called an, Attendance technician. I have my own office, and a job that will challenge me every day. I went to a new school but I want to have you come and check it all out. I want you to be able to come and take my to lunch so we can talk and just be together. I miss that, I miss everything about you. I have this cassette tape in the car and I listen to it. I laugh and I cry when I hear it. You and Ryan are my world. Can that still be possible even though you are absent from it? Ryan is always going to be the piece that completes me, completes us! He allowed us to be a family, he continues to show me that anything is possible as long as you fight for what you want. He fought to live on this earth. He is so amazing, I just wish you were here to be a part of his growing up.
We miss you babe.
We love you more than the whole wide world and back again!
sadness/ MARIA COURTENAY (SADNESS)
Hello, My heart felt so much pain and sadness when I saw this site.. I lost my beloved husband too.. just this year.. 30th of September 2007..
My husband site: http://keith-frederick-courtenay-peto.memory-of.com
I love you Babe. May you always be at peace my love, you will forever be in our hearts. We love you today, forever and always. All our love, Buffy & Ryan Foley
Memory-of.com made a donation to American Heart Association to commemorate the sponsoring of this website.
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